I don’t have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it’s a bullshit replica, ’cause dude didn’t even get his degree.

I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore”, but I was too busy mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”

I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said “it’s a fight to the finish.” That’s a good place to end.
I got an ant farm, them fellows didn’t grow shit. I said, “C’mon, what about some celery?”

I got a business card, ’cause I want to win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: “Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.”

I had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say go around, I can not open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side but over here there is nothing. It’s just flat.

I rent a lot of cars, but I don’t always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not an emergency brake, it’s an emergency “make the car smell funny” lever.

I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: “Hey man! Don’t even act like I didn’t buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…damn…I forgot it at home… it’s in the filing cabinet…under D…for doughnut.”

“This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.”

“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”
“I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good a a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.”

“When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.”

“I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important that others.”

“My friend said to me “You know what I like? Mashed poatoes,” I was like, Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If your ging to quiz me, you must put a pause in there.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said your gonna have to move you’re blocking a fire exit. As if there were a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you are flamable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.

“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.”

“How does it work?”

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the god damn morning!”

The waitress steps back in disgust and says, “Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!”

She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, “George, it’s pronounced QUICHE.”

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. “So you buried all the politicians?” asked the police officer. “Were they all dead?”

The farmer answered, “Some said they weren’t, but you know how politicians lie.”

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas ‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

But then he would hear another voice, one that jolted him back to reality. “You are a sick bastard,” it whispered, “and a terrible veterinarian.”