You know, there’s a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.

I don’t have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it’s a bullshit replica, ’cause dude didn’t even get his degree.

I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore”, but I was too busy mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”

I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said “it’s a fight to the finish.” That’s a good place to end.
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“An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never seen an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, just Escaloaor temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

“This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.”

“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”
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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.

“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.”

“How does it work?”

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the god damn morning!”

Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be having.Bush says, “I’ll have a quickie.”

The waitress steps back in disgust and says, “Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!”

She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, “George, it’s pronounced QUICHE.”

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. When he finds the politicians, he promtly buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. “So you buried all the politicians?” asked the police officer. “Were they all dead?”

The farmer answered, “Some said they weren’t, but you know how politicians lie.”

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas ‘ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
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A doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty the next day. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, his shame and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear a reassuring voice in his head that said, “Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients.”

But then he would hear another voice, one that jolted him back to reality. “You are a sick bastard,” it whispered, “and a terrible veterinarian.”