You know, there’s a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.

I don’t have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it’s a bullshit replica, ’cause dude didn’t even get his degree.

I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore”, but I was too busy mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”

I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said “it’s a fight to the finish.” That’s a good place to end.
I got an ant farm, them fellows didn’t grow shit. I said, “C’mon, what about some celery?”

I got a business card, ’cause I want to win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: “Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.”

I had a neighbor and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say go around, I can not open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side but over here there is nothing. It’s just flat.

I rent a lot of cars, but I don’t always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not an emergency brake, it’s an emergency “make the car smell funny” lever.

I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: “Hey man! Don’t even act like I didn’t buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…damn…I forgot it at home… it’s in the filing cabinet…under D…for doughnut.”